We all need to take Vacations, at least vacations of the Mind!

Posted on January 11, 2009
Filed Under A Positive Therapy, Happiness, Positive psychology for women, The Enchanted Self | Leave a Comment

Recently, in a women’s therapy group that I run, the desire for fun and a change of pace over took me. I suggested that we deviate from some of our typical work and instead go around the room imagining a vacation treat designed to suit each woman’s desires.

It was fascinating to see how many marvelous vacation ideas quickly emerged. One woman wished to go to Mexico and South America to view the ruins and lie on the sun in beautiful beaches. Another woman wished to go to Greece and see the ancient ruins there and then slowly make her way through Europe. This could take a leisurely period of time, perhaps even a year. Another also wanted to go to Europe but to do other things, such as take gourmet cooking classes in the South of France and become somewhat fluent in several languages. Another woman opted for spas and other experiences to bring vitality to her body and ultimately her spirit. One person was in reality making plans to go to several meditative retreats over the next few months.

I was fascinated as each woman spoke and realized two things. First, I would have been a happy companion on any of the presented vacations. Each one sounded fulfilling, energizing and provided a change that would be good for me, as well as the person who thought of it.

Secondly, I realized how much each woman, no matter what her background or problems, yearned for change, adventure, getting to know strangers and other places, no matter how burdened by daily problems of relationships, children, money, employment.

Finding Joy after Relationships Fail

Posted on December 30, 2008
Filed Under Happiness, Positive psychology for women | Leave a Comment

Maureen states,  “I didn’t want the book to end.  I want to find to what happens to the girl!”   

Come and listen to this lively conversation about the psychology behind The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything).

Archives: Finding Joy after Relationships Fail with Maureen Staiano – Contact Talk Radio

Dr. Holstein talks about The Enchanted Self, when women are happy, what damages them and how they can reconstruct themselves.

Posted on December 11, 2008
Filed Under Happiness, Positive psychology for women | Leave a Comment

When I did my research with women, I discovered that, indeed, women have a great capacity for happiness and pleasure.  Yes, we are born with it, we have that capacity.  And the women I interviewed, all of them verified that in some way they had a way of accessing happiness, states of well-being, feeling good.  They all did.  Whether it was through planting a garden, whether it was through reading stories to their grandchildren, going on trips, mentoring others; whatever it was, they had a place where they felt whole and where they felt in a great mood and what we would call being in a state of happiness.

 

However, I also found out some very damaging news as I went over the case studies and as I further listened to my clients and my friends as I was weaving through all that I was discovering.  And some of the damaging news that I discovered was that women are often thwarted by society at large to not feel comfortable to go after their own sources of happiness.

 

One major example would be that a woman might be very content and really enjoy her body and her whole being.  She loves to do whatever.  She loves to just have people over, she’s comfortable wearing any clothes that feel good on her.  She could be potentially the happiest person.  However, the television, the newspapers, the movies, everything, are saying to her:  think thin, do your eyebrows, wear a different kind of clothing, how much skin can you bare and not be ashamed of your wrinkles, try this new products, better get better underwear, mm-hmm.  Get with it, lady.

Now, obviously, there are some women who are able to put up barriers and not be influenced by society at large.  But many of us suffer the consequences of a society that is more external, from the outside in, rather than internal, from the inside out.  And that’s a real difficulty.  And that does impinge on our sense of happiness.

 

Also, often women return to their capacity for happiness only in secret, when nobody is looking.  In other words, they feel sort of ashamed, or it’s just an extra, you know, when I finish folding the clothes and I finish all the bills and I finish getting everything done for everybody else, then I’ll try to sneak in 15 minutes of meditation or 15 minutes of making myself a special treat in the kitchen or relaxing in the bathtub, whatever it is.

 

But that’s not enough.  That will have us end up in a situation of being empty, running on empty.  Literally.  Because we won’t have spent enough time replenishing and finding ways to truly enjoy life and feel happy on a daily basis.  It’s not something you can just way, well, six months from now I’m going to have three hours of happiness.  It won’t work.  It just won’t work.  We just need so much more than that.

 

So, really, it is my mission and my passion to teach women how to re-access and, for some women, to access for the first time in a long time, more happiness and well-being as often as possible in their lives.  And I’m going to talk about some of the ways that I do that.

However, I just want to mention why, and what is this whole term, The Enchanted Self ®, because my mission is tied in to the expression, The Enchanted Self. 

 

The Enchanted Self is that place within ourselves where we recognize what gives us pleasure, what feels right for ourselves, what feels whole, what feels good, what makes us feel in a great mood.  And it is also a special place within ourselves that has a warehouse and a factory attached, just for us.  It has a warehouse full of our own memories of what makes us happy, what feels right to us, what feels special, what makes us feel joyful.  It’s a computer — well, I like to think of it as a warehouse, because I don’t think as much in computer terms.  And it has stacks and stacks of the good memories, the positive things that have happened to us, the things that we have enjoyed.  And, true, they may be mixed with some very negative things, but there are ways to sift through that.

And, also, it’s a factory.  It’s a factory within ourselves where we literally have a whole staff that reinvents and recombines and regenerates the ways that we can take our lives and find ways to have pleasure and happiness and better times, right now, or in the future. 

 

What do you think?  Are you agreeing with me?

Nancy Drew and THE TRUTH, (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything!

Posted on November 12, 2008
Filed Under Happiness, Positive psychology for women | Leave a Comment

Who did you idolize from television or books when you were a kid? If you are at all like me, you probably enjoyed lots of famous characters and actresses.  I loved Lucille Ball for example, yet Nancy Drew served as an even more important figure in my life than Lucy. She was VERY important when I was nine, ten, and even eleven.  I would wait with high anticipation if I knew my mother was coming home from shopping and might have a new Nancy Drew book with her.  If she did, my next week was sure to be close to heaven.  I would have a mystery to solve along with Nancy and all the positively luscious feelings of excitement I would be bound to feel as I accompanied her on her newest adventure.  Forget her close buddies, they were only silly girls.  I was dedicated as she, to solving mysteries, and I was there for her.  Oh, they were wonderful adventures that we took together-just Nancy and myself. And when it came to an end I had a let down that could only be compensated for in one way-a long bike ride, a coffee ice cream cone with jimmies on top and the beginning allure of the next Nancy Drew book. 

I think that Nancy Drew was an important icon figure to me, as a positive psychologist,  because in the language of Positive Psychology, she gave me hope.  She validated that I was smart.  She reinforced my resiliency.  After all, I figured out at least some of the mysteries before she did.  She gave me such a sense of competency.  If she could do it, so could I.  I just hadn’t had the right opportunity yet, so for now I accompanied her.

She reinforced my strengths and interests.  After all, I could figure people out.  I could travel, if only my parents would let me.  I could act very grown-up and be a leader.  For example, I was on the Student Council.  Yes, everything about her was affirming to me.  Even her boyfriend gave me hope that someday I would have a boyfriend just as nice and kind and loving,  In fact, Nancy Drew was probably the best therapy I had in my life from the ages of 9-11.  And she didn’t even know she was a Positive Psychologist!

Conversation With Edward W. Smith

Posted on October 17, 2008
Filed Under Happiness | Leave a Comment

“Becoming more like a child might be just what you need to move your life ahead in some wonderful ways. Children have learning curves and enjoyment curves, we never approach as adults. Our learning and enjoyment of life slows the older we get. If you want to turn this around, pick up some of the attributes of children. Be curious and use this curiosity to learn. Get excited and use this excitement to enjoy life. Be spontaneous and enjoy the moment and take what there is to learn that is right in front of you. So if someone calls you childish, it might be the best compliment they could give you.” Edward W. Smith, who brings wonderful One Minute Motivators to Us.

You are so right Ed! Some of our most delightful feelings and experiences in the present are built on the building blocks of energy and enthusiasm we had as children. For example, if I hadn’t enjoyed skipping so much as a six year old I don’t think I would be interested in walking along the beach now. I can’t skip very well, but there is what I call a “Shadow Print Memory” of skipping and feeling alive inside of me, that gives me some of the propulsion I need to walk enough to feel good in my adult body. For more on Shadow Prints of the mind and body, go to my book, The Enchanted Self, A Positive Therapy.

Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein quoted in a major national article on Happiness, On The Edge: The Happiness Craze

Posted on September 5, 2008
Filed Under Happiness, In The News, Positive psychology for women | Leave a Comment

August 20, 2008
by Linda Formichelli

Happiness isn’t a new concept—Aristotle wrote about the topic more than 2,300 years ago and Thomas Jefferson included the “pursuit of happiness” as an unalienable right in the Declaration of Independence—but authors have been flocking to the subject in recent years, unleashing numerous prescriptions for well-being and joy that readers have eagerly purchased…

…Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, a licensed psychologist, wrote The Enchanted Self: A Positive Therapy in 1997 when the movement was just beginning. “That book was an instructional book for therapists and their clients to help create the paradigm shift necessary for positive psychology to be practiced in the treatment room,” she says. “I’m interested in how you teach someone to use their mind to retrieve a memory to create happiness in the present and future.”

In addition to teaching the topic, Holstein has been a student of happiness, following the many paths experts are taking to reach readers. “The people coming out of these different fields love humanity and are trying to help others by simplifying their work in order to be understood and be of use to the public,” she says, mentioning spiritual-based writers such as Marianne Williamson (The Age of Miracles), Eckhart Tolle (The Power of Now) and the Dalai Lama (The Art of Happiness); other psychologists like Dan Baker (What Happy People Know) and Daniel Gilbert (Stumbling on Happiness); and more traditional self-help-style motivational authors like Alexandra Stoddard (Happiness for Two) and Jack Canfield (Chicken Soup for the Soul).

Read the entire article here.

Response to Happiness Blog

Posted on September 4, 2008
Filed Under Happiness, Positive psychology for women | Leave a Comment

Dear Readers, 

 

I was so happy to see all the research going on by Dr. Veenhoven that is really international research on happiness.  In fact, I was so stirred that I answered as you can read below.  As you know, my emphasis is on Happiness for Women, and of course Girls.  Happiness is often just the same for women as for anyone else, but at other it can be very different.  That is because we are part of history, and as part of history we have absorbed messages for thousands of years about ourselves.  Not all those messages are to our advantage.  For example, to be perceived up less than 100 years ago in this country, as not worthy of casting a vote for the president of the United States, was not a healthy message.  It did not build up the egos and self-esteem of women.  In fact, how could a women perceive herself as having the potential to run for President of Vice-President, if she couldn’t even vote!  So every part of a women’s happiness is a reflection in part of the world she lives in.  With that said, here are the comments I left on The Happy Blog.

Thanks to David Pollay for interviewing Dr. Veenhoven.  As a positive psychologist, dedicated to helping to increase the experience of happiness in the lives of women and girls, I am thrilled to read this interview.  Having an international date bank on Happiness is a great contribution to the world.  I am a clinician and have utilized case study methods in determining what women most need to experience a sense of well-being  in mind, body and spirit, which we can define as ‘happiness’.  In my first book, The Enchanted Self, A Positive Therapy I shared the results of my case study material and my treatment room case notes.  What I discovered is how much the community at large and women themselves dismiss their needs for happiness and the actual recognition of what makes them happy.  Societal pressures as major caretakers, etc. also block women’s capacities to insist on the resources in society and the personal recognition by family and themselves that it takes to build in the time, energy and wisdom to create enough windows of happiness in a woman’s life.  Since my first book I have developed the Seven Gateways to Happiness which give women an easy to start to value themselves and take the steps necessary to build in happiness.  Of course self-esteem and a personal wisdom as to what a particular woman needs for happiness are built into these steps which can be found on www.enchantedself.com.  My latest effort is a book for girls and moms, The Truth, I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything.  Positive Psychology ficiton in the form of a diary is my instrument this time to help girls value themselves and hold on to their talents, strengths and potential as they grow up.  Let’s keep the work and effort going worldwide on Happiness!  We all need lots of it. 

 

Thank you again, Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein

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