The Wise Older Woman

Posted on April 29, 2009
Filed Under Happiness, Positive psychology for women, The Enchanted Self | Leave a Comment

Recently, I attended a beautiful wedding. A young Jewish couple came together in joy and the room was filled with happiness. Outside of the banquet room I noticed a group of older women sitting near the door collecting charity. They all looked very pure and plain at the same time, young seniors and older seniors, nothing fancy about them. Their hips were full. They were wearing comfortable walking shoes and somewhat frumpy looking clothing. There wore either wigs or kerchiefs. They had a sweetness that if I were a child again, I would have felt delighted to have come home to milk and cookies with any of them. I ended up giving a dollar to just about each woman, in fact two dollars to the woman who actually changed a twenty for me so I could give out my money.

Later on in the evening, I went back out where they were, when nothing much was happening in the social hall. I was looking to have a bit of conversation with one of the ladies. I think I felt a need to be connected to their warmth. I certainly couldn’t ask for milk and cookies, but I could talk!

The woman I started to talk to was well up in years. She had beautiful, lively eyes-eyes that could have gone with a twenty year old or even an infant, they were so bright and full of life. Her skin was beautiful. Her body and her face showed age, but no where near the age that she apparently is. She told me that she came to this country 65 years ago with three children and then went on to have seven more. That means that she is about 90. She didn’t look a day past 75!

She told me that she comes out to all the weddings to collect charity. She’s very proud of the fact that last year she collected $30,000 for poor, sick people in Israel and brides who needed money for their wedding expenses. She told me that she doesn’t keep a dime for herself and that her daughter who lives in Israel helps to disburse the money.

By her intensity, I could see that she took her job extremely seriously and with utter devotion. She told me a few other things about herself. Her husband is no longer alive. She receives Social Security. Of her ten children, nine are living; one daughter was lost at 41-I don’t know to what illness. She is very proud that a number of her children are Rabbis, teachers and school principals in the Jewish educational world. That’s about the extent of the details.

She opened a window to me. I never really knew nor had I ever really talked to any of these women that are always at weddings of this type, asking for money. I guess, like we often do with people we don’t know, I basically dismissed them almost as non-entities even though I always gave at least a few dollars.

Talking to this woman of course made her so alive and real to me as she obviously was for 90 years before I knew her! I was impressed with her generosity of spirit, her sincerity and her utter devotion to her cause. She was passionately committed to her cause. She refreshed me with her energy and focus.

She is a woman, of course, who has known so many people and seen so many things! Having nine living children, she probably has 80 grandchildren. Her world is rich with people, children and grandchildren and probably great grandchildren to love. A private life, her name even if I shared it with you, would not ring a bell. Her charitable work is not a registered charity. She doesn’t go on TV with commercial pitches. She just comes to one wedding after another, sits out in the hallways, puts a little sign asking for money for the poor, ill and brides, in a dish and collects. Then she ships the money to Israel and starts all over again. There’s no middle management. There are no commissions to pay. There are no cuts. It’s just dollar bills transforming lives.

It’s simple. It’s without layers. It certainly is the antithesis, the absolute opposite of the concept of managed care where one hand doesn’t wash the other-where one hand watches the other and takes a cut until there is less and less left.

Yes, as a positive psychologist and a woman, talking to her was for me, really the best part of my week! She uplifted me and reminded me small is not less!

I hope you enjoyed my little story. Remember, the Seventh Gateway to ENCHANTMENT is Positive Action-Good Deeds! I hope this wonderful wise woman helps all of us have the courage for lots of good deeds this holiday season!

Spring Into Enchantment

Posted on April 21, 2009
Filed Under Positive psychology for women, The Enchanted Self | Leave a Comment

Who can control a smile sneaking across your face as you go outside on a beautiful spring day, suddenly finding your nostrils filled with a sweet aroma of fresh blooms, while feeling warm breezes against your skin, whispering, “No coat today.”? Nature provides enchantment all around us in the spring. The birds sing, the flowers bloom, animals have their babies, new birds learn to fly. If you look high up in a tree you might see an exquisite bird singing loudly, full of life. It is as if nature gives humans an opportunity for enchantment all around. Yet, we often are indifferent, not responding spontaneously to the rebirth of spring. We seem to be, at times, equipped to live lives of misery brought on by ourselves. Many of us are able to generate a bad mood, put ourselves down, see our future as dark or today as gloomy. We have lost or never had the easy comfort and capacity to relax and enjoy life that a cat has on a sunny porch just snoozing and rolling over. We humans have to work at enchantment. Let s take a moment and look at what the major components of this work called “enchantment” are.

To experience what we call THE ENCHANTED SELF, that is positive states of mind and body again and again, a person must be able to develop three capacities. The first is the ability to successfully meet one s needs. This can be challenging when we find ourselves committed or obligated to be elsewhere or doing other things. There is a saying, “If you can t go to the mountain than bring the mountain to you.” You may yearn to be outdoors playing sports or gardening but find yourself stuck indoors at home or at work. Opening the windows to let fresh air in, displaying a vase of colorful flowers on a table are some of the ways that can enable you to experience a spring day.

What s important is that you recognize what you need and then act upon it. This may mean verbalizing what you want to others or just giving yourself permission to take the time to do something that adds enjoyment to your life.

The second capacity we need to develop is having a positive appreciation of yourself, so that you see yourself as worthy of experiencing enchanted times. This means recognizing your personal value. Your children and/or husband, wife, boss, significant others are all important and should be treated with care and respect, but they are not more important than you. You are unique, with talents, coping skills and potential. You have the right to balance your life so that your needs can be taken into consideration. This self value is another building block of enchantment.

The last component is recognizing what really does give you pleasure. You may love walking on the beach, your bare feet touching the sand, still cool in the spring. You may enjoy going to a local county park when temperatures start rising. Someone else may prefer to engage in a more active social life in the spring and perhaps does not care about being outdoors. The spring may stimulate a yearning to have friends visit, or go to the local fine restaurants and experience different types of foods Enchantment requires a self knowledge that only each person must know for himself or herself.

And don t forget your memory banks, your wonderful treasure chests. As you begin to spring into enchantment,

it is in these memory chests that you will recognize your special interests and preferences. Your positive memories can help you frame out what you would like to do this season.

Here is an exercise to get you started:

Close your eyes and let your mind wander back to something that you loved to do as a child in the spring. Did you like to climb trees? Did you like to ride a bike? Go fishing? Run? Catch lightning bugs at night? Think about the way your body felt as you did this activity. Did you feel excited? Did you feel particularly alive and alert? Did you feel relaxed? Think about how you felt when the activity was over. Were you exhausted? Were you revitalized? Were you hungry? Now list some of the skills that were necessary to perform that activity. For example, if you used to love to climb trees, some of the skills might have been agility or arm strength to lift yourself onto branches. Another skill was probably good balance. Do you still have these skills? If so, what would you like to try at this stage of your life that might let you get back in touch with the physical pleasures that you were so naturally in touch with as a child? Perhaps dancing or lifting weights or rock climbing? Whatever your physical pleasure may have been, lift it out, dust it off, and use it. And most important, enjoy!

If you do not have these skills, what are some alternatives? Perhaps rather than tree climbing you could stretch in all directions, lying on a mat or on a soft carpet. This will require much less in the way of balance or risk-taking. Perhaps you would enjoy a risk-taking adventure via a book, movie or a computer game. Reinvention of yourself in order to experience pleasure is a never ending pursuit.

How do we finally begin to generate a world of enchantment? It is very simple. If you are leading an enchanted life you will quickly see that you send out positive energies and positive messages. Before you know it, there is a mutuality of shared enchantment going on. Laughter is infectious, good moods are catching, and like the birds singing, all of these happy reflections of harmony are resonated again and again as they move out in ever expanding circles. We hope you will take some time to spring into enchantment and to let yourself move from feeling enchanted to being truly enchanting.

Real Women Having Fun – It’s The Truth!

Posted on April 14, 2009
Filed Under Happiness | Leave a Comment

the-ob-girlsHere is a great picture of real women having a blast. We all have that girl inside of ourselves just waiting to come out and play. And we need to let her out! Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein

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